Super Sunday in Sydney with a visit from the Queen(s)

Like a great many Sydney-siders, your erstwhile correspondent and his good lady wife headed for the harbour on the fine sunny afternoon that was Sunday February 24.

Unlike many others, we were there for a wedding and reception at Pier One, which is located just to the west of the southern end of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Many on the train we caught to the city were headed for the A-League football grand final, as well as some late arrivals for the one-day cricket match between Australia and India. A fair portion were heading for the harbour foreshores to see the Queen Victoria and QE2 sail by each other in an historic moment.

Never again in Australian waters will you see this happen...

The new Queen Victoria (right) sails past the Queen Elizabeth II.

The Queen Victoria is on its maiden world voyage, whilst the QE2 is on its final voyage before retirement. The two ships will never again share Australian territorial waters.

Watching something as massively large as the Queen Victoria move slowly from the mooring at Circular Quay was something to behold. As it moved backwards, the whole slab side of the ship looming above the concourses below, the sheer size and scale of it was daunting.

I personally feel the QE2 is a more stylish vessel, with the increased bow rake and styled top decking area. Aside from the dark colour scheme and red line, if it were painted white, the Queen Victoria could be any other cruise ship, when viewed from the sea. I'm sure the internal appointments are of a far higher standard than you would find aboard a lesser holiday cruise ship, though.

The wedding was great, the night was enjoyable, seeing the ships was an added bonus. Now I can say I've seen a once in a lifetime sight.

For one woman, the day ended quite abruptly. It appears she was out taking photos of the Queen Victoria and toppled over a balcony to her unfortunate demise below. I've read no news on it, so I dont know more than speculation, and the fact that we walked past the scene of the incident where a sheet-covered body lay in the middle of the footpath underneath the balcony. Some things are worth seeing, but not putting yourself at risk.

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Whoever designed the new Subaru WRX needs to be…

…strapped down, like Malcolm McDowell in ‘A Clockwork Orange’, with devices holding their eyes open, while they watch slides of stylish vehicles morph into hideous shapeless lumps of metal.

- Malcolm gets re-educated

Then they can watch them in reverse, and re-educate themselves about industrial design that belies the true nature of a car with the heritage (albeit short) of the Subaru Impreza WRX.

Even the first model we received in Australia in the mid-1990’s, with the flat bonnet and boot lid, slab sides and slightly pushed guards was a better looking car. The second model we got was an improvement on this again.

- First generation Australian WRX

They got fairly wide acclaim too as a fire-breather.

- Victorian and NSW police got a few

And although the last model looked like a Hyundai Excel when Wheels magazine released ”spy pictures”, once Subaru refined it the WRX came out looking like a rocket sled, and went like one too.


- Latest generation Australian WRX

Somewhat reminiscent of the change of the Skyline model from R32 to R33, the new Subaru looks vastly dull by comparison. The R32 Skyline was an angular, angry car, true to its nature. It was no bespoke weapon, it just was a weapon. And it looked like it.

- R32: weapon, R33: overblown pig, R34: style and power

The Skyline maintains a constant design feature that WRX has yet to decide on. You know what this is, without even reading a badge.

- Iconic round taillights

So too the last two WRX incarnations, but not this one. Granted, a weapon it is, but it will hardly cause anyone walking past it parked at the shops to stop and stare at it, wondering if it goes like a scalded cat. Its just another bland hatchback with a scoop plugged onto the front. The insipid downward curve of the bonnet towards the drooping grille line, the streaky headlights perhaps the strong point, yet the whole front end is nowhere near the strong face of previous models.

- WRX old/new comparison

Even in STI guise, it’s not a patch on the last model. You want a car like this to flex its muscles, not wear a cheap suit. Aside from the flared guards and slightly wider look, its not really a visually intimidating vehicle. Give the car a tail, that should help in making it look threatening even if its not even moving. The new WRX lacks all of these things.

- new WRX STI, horror story in 3D

A car of this nature needs to grin, to bare its teeth, and not just smile sweetly. Or maybe even stick its nose in where its not wanted.

- Noses. Is the new WRX really as good as any of these?
(left to right: Audi A4, BMW M3, Mistubishi Lancer, Honda Odyssey, Aston Martin DB5)

Even the Honda Odyssey looks better coming up behind you than the new WRX.

Ricers of the world are probably celebrating. At last, with their Honda Civic’s and Toyota Corolla’s and Yaris/Echo’s, with fake scoops and bodywork, they now have a car that can actually look better than the WRX. Even the Civic, a car very easily over-riced with even minimal work, can look better than the WRX.

- Riced out Civic: better looker

You want better looking cars? Mazda 3 for one, and the MPS widens the gap. Ford Focus is another, especially in XR5 guise. The Holden Astra Coupe also beats it in the design stakes.

- top to bottom: Mazda 3 MPS: Ford Focus XR5: Holden Astra SRi

Ford, Mazda, Holden and Honda are producing vehicles with consistent noses at the moment, aside from a few exceptions. The Impreza nose doesn’t keep consistent with any of the other Subaru models, and I hope they don’t change the Liberty/Legacy nose to suit the Impreza. That would be a crime.

- left to right, top to bottom:
Ford Focus, Mondeo, Falcon
Holden Astra, Vectra, Commodore,
Subaru Liberty, Outback, Forrester

At least Subaru gave the horrid Tribeca a facelift recently to bring it more into line with the rest of the range, style-wise.

- Tribeca, god-awful to something far better

I hope they weren’t trying to toughen up the nose. It hasn’t worked. Some examples of tough noses:

- left to right: BMW M3: Aston Martin DB6: Honda Integra Type R: Mistubishi Lancer Evolution IX: Ford Mondeo: Toyota Corolla: Toyota Aurion: Aston Martin DB9: Honda Prototype: McLaren MP4-23

It’s saying a lot when the Toyota Corolla gets a mention above the WRX.

Naturally, all this is criticism from a personal point of view. Some of you may like it (as Mr. T would say, "I pity the fool!"). I don’t think it inspires confidence in its performance as much as it used to.

- Wheeeeeeee…..

When I see one do this and look as good, then I might change my mind. Until then, the Subaru design team can stay strapped into their chairs and watch industrial design loops.

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Please get off the Australian Coast

If you live anywhere near the coast of Australia, and in particular the eastern coast, you will no doubt have noticed the stickers bearing place names with the tagline "somewhere on the australian coast" beneath. Avalon, in Sydney's northern beaches, for example:

This may actually have been the originating location in Australia for these stickers.

Of course there are some humorous larrikins who extend the range of these, and re-word the tagline to suit their town or place:

Rather.

And the version generally seen on utes and older model vehicles bearing P-plates:

Ah, yes. Tagline should read "inside this vehicle".

Usually with this sticker the person inside the vehicle fits the description, and drives accordingly.


There is one exception to this variation that is highly acceptable:

It's a unique Australian ability to be able to eat this stuff.

Driving to work the other morning I saw what is perhaps the ultimate corruption of the (until now) tolerable branding:

Please try to be more obscure, thats the one delight in these things!

Now, either someone has had this printed specifically, taken this model to America and marketed it, or we've knocked it off yet again. The fact that it is spelled with an accent leads me to believe the former. Only a non-New Yorker would spell New York this way. Sure, the New York accent as depicted is but a mere portion of New York, but hey, lets generalise.

Perhaps it is only a matter of time till these version appear on our shores:

Bought back by our latest Paris-Dakar competitor.

Hello Norway.

Ah, Estonia! Land of the massive 318m Suur Munamägi

Maybe they're already big in Europe. Maybe every Skoda in Estonia wears a Tallinn sticker.

Lastly, I leave you with the model I would like to see.

No, you cant put it on your Mercedes, thats the point.

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R.I.P. Sheldon Brown

Reading a couple of my favoured blogs this morning to discover that a well-known and much-respected cyclist/advisor/general knowledge giver/expert had died over night in the US of a heart attack.

Sheldon Brown has probably give more useful and helpful advice than the majority of web-using cyclists combined. He forgot more than many of us even know.

His final post on bikeforums.net was just after 8:30 US time last night. Not long later he was sadly deceased.

R.I.P. Sheldon Brown. May you find all the "interchangeabilitude" your components deserve.

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Bernie's pursuit of a dollar

So the Australian Formula One GP is set to be lost, with the contract 'unlikely' to be renewed past 2010.

Read.

The sooner Formula One ceases to be about Bernie and his mates lining their swelling pockets and more about providing an accessible series, the better off everyone will be.

The options of racing in India, Korea or Russia are interesting though. India may pull a crowd through sheer numbers. Korea? Again, same deal, though no Daewoo in the GP may hamper the fan base. Russia? They cant get to Germany, Austria, Hungary, Italy, Monaco, or Great Britain? There's enough tifosi in the world to provide support nearly anywhere, I suppose. Reason enough for Bernie to go there.

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Continuing the theme...

I could spend a lot of time on this site:

icanhascheezburger.com

lolcats abound.

If you dont know what lolcat is, you're about to find out.

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Necessity is the mother...

...of Invention.

And this is one heck of an 'invention'. Less an invention, strictly speaking, and more a niche that someone thought needed filling.

Cheeseburger in a can

Yes, cheeseburger. In a can.

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A quick take on the new Subaru WRX

Take one (1) Mazda 3:

Add one (1) scoop:

Market the result:

Look for a longer critique coming soon.

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Bigger than Cheeses exploited!

Knocked off from ED and exploited, but stolen first from Bigger than Cheeses.

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DRABCD!

I had an interesting weekend.

On Saturday I attended a first aid course at a friends house with several other people, the first one I've ever done. As we all have young children, we dealt in the majority with potential situations that may arise with kids.

A most enlightening day, naturally. How to administer CPR, dealing with bleeding, broken bones, burns, bites and stings. All those typical kid-related injuries you might expect. Much of it had cross-over into adult treatment as well, the principles the same just scaled up or down to suit. The response acronym is a bit hard, but I guess we cant all have R.I.C.E. and H.A.R.M. to remember.

D.R.A.B.C.D. !!

Danger
Response
Airway
Breathing
CPR
Defibrillation

I dont know that we'll be going out to buy a defibrillator in a hurry though. If we had someone in the house at risk of cardiac problems or with serious issues, then yes, they'd be a very important item to have.

On Sunday I did 40km on the bike, just getting home before it really got hot and humid. Spent the whole ride chatting and thinking about "if that guy there falls off and breaks his arm, I know what to do now..."

I've been home alone since Wednesday, so got all the washing out of the way before I attacked anything else. By that time, though, it was really too hot to do anything else outside, and washing the car could wait. I moved the chainring on my single speed bike. Its definitely quieter now, so the 5 minute exercise was worthwhile.

The Sunday afternoon storm rolled in thick and quick, but not as much rain as I'd thought. Still, it took the humidity out of the air a bit and cleaned a bit of grime from roads and cars. Lucky I didnt wash it during the heat, cause it would've just been marked by the rain anyway.

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"I think it's my pump, doctor..."

A little while ago I posted about a valve that I managed to pull from a tyre.

Well, I did it again on wednesday night.

I started out for a light half-hour or so breeze on one of my bikes after changing to a set of wheels that normally resides on my Sunday morning group road bike. Long story, there's two bikes and six wheels. They'd been sitting unused for a couple of weeks, and I forgot to check the tyre pressures before I went. I rode no more than a kilometre when I realise the back is down a little. No problem, I've got a pump on the bike, I can get it to 80PSI, enough for a quick ride.

Clip it on, flip the lever, start pumping. Something is wrong, oh so terribly wrong.

The tyre is inflating, slowly, but each time I stop it deflates just as slowly. Out via the valve. Unclip the pump to see that the head has actually bent the valve end and spindle that pokes out from the main valve body. Therefore, if you try and do it up, it deflates itself.

Picture (C) matthewsbikes.com

Yes, it SHOULD be straight, but it wasn't. More like 6 degrees of bend.


I limp home, reflecting that its been a recurring theme on this particular bike...limping at the end of Sydney Gong, limping home twice now. I use a pair of pliers to straighten the spindle. I put 100PSI in with the floor pump, and off I go. 40 minute ride without trouble.


Next morning, I glance into the garage to see the back tyre sitting pretty on the ground, somewhat spread. Again, no worries, I'll just hit it with the floor pump and get it back, leave the valve cap off and she'll be right, right?


Er, no. Every pump in equals a large hissing out. Its about then I realise that this valve has broken away from the tyre as well. Lucky it didnt happen on the road, but what would've done it? Pull it out last night after I got home from work, and sure enough the valve stem has ripped halfway around at the base.


The only thing consitent thing in both these has been the pump. It seems to take a fair bit of force to get it on, and it really rocks when you push it. I'll check the head is on the right way, but I'm sure it is. If so, then its not getting used again on road tyres, I'll save it for my mountain bike once I get it rebuilt and ready to roll. At least I can change the head to fit the schraders on the 26" wheels.


I dont think I'll use the little knurled rings on valves for a while either, till I see if that might be my problem. How tight should they be, after all? Too loose and they vibrate down and rattle. Too tight and it seems they assist in pulling tyres apart.


To top it all off, the back wheel on my road bike spontaneously burst last night out of the blue. I ripped the tube out, despite the late hour, to find a pinch flat not far from the valve. I'd had it trued five days ago, so I guess its been biding its time till now. Maybe it was the temperature rise that killed it. I dont think I can repair it, its too close to the stem. Its replaced now anyway, and Sunday will be a test to see if I get through without popping another one.


Just when you thought it couldn't get funnier, and to bring my 'bad luck in threes' back to reality, my rear 'commuter' wheel seem to have a problem at a spoke hole giving me a flat two weeks ago. Thats #3 for now. Let this be the end, please...


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Back at base, bugs in the software...

I've been noticing recycled music coming up again as I flick across my radio dial, generally on the more R'n'B and pop contemporary music stations.

By recycled, I mean songs that were written and released between 10 and 20 years ago being re-recorded by new artists and handed off as new music. Sometimes they even put new words into the old music, but this is more than just sampling.

I guess this has happened before. The Beatles first release wasn't one of their songs. Many jazz and soul singers had 'standards'. If you didn't do 'Summertime', you weren't in the game. Big Bands did too, often performing the same songs as the next band, but having to back it up with flair and showmanship instead of relying on the passing of time to release a new song.

But these are not standards.

Trouble is, nowadays, anyone with a decent voice (not a great voice, there's a difference) can sing a song, have it digitally revised to be in pitch with the music, and release it to wide sales.

It will be interesting to see what music from today people decide some minimal-talent vocalist can recycle in 10 years time.

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Shell 'The Circuit' advertisement

Another great ad...




You can download it here.

Turn it up.

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The Honda 'Impossible Dream' advertisement

This is an excellent ad.




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Bjork

I dont know what it is that intrigues me about this woman so much.

Whilst I find some of her songs annoying in the extreme, overall I find her work quite listenable. Maybe its her Icelandic appearance, and those cheekbones. She comes across as a bit of a scatterbrain in interviews, though maybe thats her english skills letting her down, because her singing is always clear.

I'd really like to meet her, maybe ask her a couple of questions. What they would be, I dont know. And I probably wouldn't know until I had the chance.

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Graphic design, photography and images galore

Visit this site, right now.

If you dont get suckered into spending at least an hour following links to pictures, then there is no hope for you I'm afraid.

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And I thought only kids got it...

On monday I developed a bit of a sore throat, and a lump on one side of my neck.

Yesterday I woke up (if you can call it that) unable to swallow without looking like I was eating fire, and with the side of my neck almost bulging out comically. I slid out of bed at 8am, then back in at 8:30am. I got up and went to the doctor at 11am, leaving with the diagnosis of 'tonsillitis'. Loaded up on anti-biotics, then went back to bed at 12:30, surfaced around 3pm for a few hours, then back in at 7:30 when my kids went to bed.

And I thought only kids got it...

Luckily its only on the right side, cause if this was on both sides, I'd be VERY hungry about now. Came to work today, I'll see how I go. Not sure how the office christmas lunch will go on friday, I might find myself home quite early this year.

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Time keeps on slipping...

I’ve been doing some thinking lately on the concept of time. Not time, per se, as a passing of the inevitable, more time as a commodity that is saleable, irreplaceable and somewhat monetary in nature.

Naturally, time has always been associated with money in the investment world. You need only look at ‘short-term, high-risk’ strategies to understand that narrowing the time margin increases the risk margin, and vice versa. Should you attempt to make 5% return on investment (as opposed to 5% p.a.) in 3 months, your money will be subjected to a higher risk than a 5% return in 12 months. As the time extends, risk decreases. Never to a point where there is zero risk, though.

And what are you buying, when you purchase nearly any commodity? It can all be boiled down to time.

Say you buy a shirt. Break it into components.
- Raw materials
- Assembly
- Supply
- Sale

Raw materials:
Plastic buttons? Someone had to garner raw materials = time. Someone had to manufacture = time.
Cotton? Someone had to plant, tend, grow, harvest = time. Someone had to extract and form into thread = time. Someone had to supply to manufacturer = time.

Assembly:
Someone had to stamp buttons = time. Someone had to weave = time. Someone had to pattern, cut, stitch = time.

Supply:
Someone had to ship it to the store via truck, ship or air = time.

Sale:
Someone bought the material and manufacturing time in the form of completed buttons to put onto their garments, and woven cotton fabric to cut and sew into shirts = time.

Someone had to stand in the store to be there to attend to you during the sale = time.

So you’re buying more than the sum of its parts. You’re buying the equivalent of (possibly) hundreds of man-hours in production from raw material to sale, all for what you probably think is an outrageously high price. But think about it this way. If you had to go out, mine, farm, manufacture, ship and sell that same shirt, what would your charge out rate be?

For some, their time is cheap. By our standards. For others, they have deemed their time to be so valuable that they command thousands of dollars a day for their skill and knowledge. But lets see a barrister farm cotton to make his shirts, or wool to make his suits. Granted, his business is high risk, but why would the humble farmers business not be risk? His land floods, his crops fail, he has no livelihood. And it’s unlikely that he has a superannuation fund or investment as the barrister may.

Even if you’re reading this on a broadband internet connection, you’re buying someone’s time. ISP’s invest in technology, and what is technology but someone else’s time that they used to develop it? You invest in the speed of the network, removing a certain element of time from your day for other uses, or fitting more into the same amount of time.

There’s a lot of inequality in the world, and time is just another one of those. Sure, we all get 24 hours in a day no matter who or where we are, but for some people they demand they get more money for their utilisation of that time.

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STUFF! (that looks like other stuff*): Part 3

With great delight I present Part 3 of...

STUFF!
(that looks like other stuff)*

No pictures from me or my scribes on this one, but another blog that contains some excellent examples of Stuff:

http://facesinplaces.blogspot.com/

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*A shamelessly stolen idea, thanks Ben.

STUFF! (that looks like other stuff*): Part 2

With great delight I present Part 2 of...

STUFF!
(that looks like other stuff)*

Is it a tree? Is it a Mr. Grim, come about the reaping? You decide, with "Stump of Death":

Picture courtesy Miss Bunny

Secondly, a photograph entitled "Heart Shaped Pox":

Is it a sign of love abounding, or merely a blob of last night's dinner that got jettisoned onto the sink during the washing of dishes?

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*A shamelessly stolen idea, thanks Ben.

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$4475.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth.

Dallas Dating

Sydney to the Gong 2007 full report

2007 MS Sydney to the Gong Ride
November 4, 2007

5:45 Alarm


6:00 Leave house after getting dressed, eating a banana and staring at the cloud-filled sky and wet driveway for five minutes, thankful for loading bike in car the evening before


6:45 Park car in McEvoy Street, near the start, with about 50 other riders and families setting off


7:00 Ride the 2.4km to the start line, realising that there were many parking spaces much closer

Not the actual start line, but just over the hill. Very wet. Very rainy.

7:14 Ring dad to find him, no answer


7:15 Ring dad to find him on the opposite side of the building I was standing under


7:30 Set out in pouring rain to start line with dad & his regular ride mate John


7:45 Meet their other regular ride mate, Bill, after finding he’d already had one puncture pre-ride


7:50 Walk across start line


8:00 Finally get on bike in rain


8:01 First bottleneck


8:10 Get riding seriously, raining, easing and patches of blue starting to show already


8:30 Chain starts to skip, stiff link due to rain and grit


8:40 Stop to check chain, nothing I can do, push on


8:42 Hit sweet rhythm as we hit La Perouse, stiff link begins to ease as sun comes out


8:43 See first crash, mountain biker weaving in and out comes unstuck, nobody really stops


9:00 Stop to see Bill changing second flat for the day, Sutherland turn-off


9:30 Rest break at Loftus, bean-up

The steeds make it to Loftus in one piece and much dirtier.

10:10 Reach Waterfall and turn off main freeway, held at top of hill awaiting recovery of crashed rider #7 for the morning


10:15 Reach mid-point of descent as woman goes over side into bush at medium pace, no injury


10:20 Reach bottom, start climbing already


10:40 Lunch break at Cedar Flat


11:40 Leave lunch for climb out of National Park


12:10 Finish climbing out of National Park after passing lots of granny-geared MTB’ers

From the lookout atop the National Park climb. Note the eagle scouting for dead cyclists.

12:45 End of Seacliff Bridge for photo opportunity

South end of Seacliff Bridge.

12:55 Lift toppled lady off kerb and dad’s bike, try to loosen her pedal tension unsuccessfully, remount and start the final run


1:57 Get flat rear tyre, limp last 500m to finish with squeaky, bumpy rear wheel


2:00 Finish


2:30 Get back on bike to ride to adjacent sports facility to meet a friend for a ride to his place and warm shower


Trip computer:
86.4km
4:38:41 riding time
18.5km/h average
58.3km/h maximum speed

Polar HR monitor:
137bpm average HR
185bpm maximum HR
6:44:00 running time (includes stops)

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Dont you hate it when...

...your bike suspension fights itself? Pay attention to spelling.

Their website has some pretty nifty gear on it though, aside from grammatical errors.

It's like all those bikes being peddled with 'peddles', as opposed to being peddled with pedals (or indeed, pedalled with pedals). Or those that come with a free German national. What Helmut thinks about being given away for free is anyone's guess.

Nitpick plus for today.

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Sydney Gong 2007 - brief report

Finished.

86km showing on the computer

4:38 riding time

18.5km/h average

- all right where I thought the figures would be.

Numbers:

4 - stacks

1 - no-helmet fool

3 - kg backpack (with water)

4 - bottles consumed

1 - rainy start

1- warm, sunny finish

1 - flat tyre 500m from the end and no way I was changing it that close

too many - bikes that hadnt seen a spanner since last year

I'll enlighten you all more later.

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Three days to Sydney-Gong

Three days out from Sydney to the Gong 2007 and I think everything is ready.

I took the flat bar out for a road test on monday night, and aside from a pinch-flat rear tyre, everything seems to be working well. No creaks, no undue noise, and no muscle/positional discomfort. The repaired chain took a bit of hill work without protest and no visible signs of expansion or stress. The bag is packed with tools, energy food and clothes.

Rain is forecast for sunday though. I've got a rain jacket tucked in the bag, and the bag has a rain cover, so aside from being uncomfortable, I should be right. The arrival and return plans are in place, and a 7:30 start at St. Peters beckons.

I can still smell tyre patch glue on my fingers from last nights repair job.

I must be ready.

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Got my shoes replaced

A week or so ago I told you about my road cycling shoes coming apart.

I took them back to the store, who were only too happy to change them, saying that 1 in 100 carbon soled shoes comes back due to lifting of the sole plate. As the carbon is so stiff, the first thing to give it the bond between plate and shoe, rather than having any flex in the plate.

Big up to Pedals Plus at Mona Vale.

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Land of the free to do what you want even if its going to kill you

For all the truck driving, tobacco chewing good old boys out there...no need to damage the environment by spitting out the windah's any more...someone has come up with a solution!

The MudJug

They also have these.

Dear lord, make it stop.

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I've said it before, and I'll say it again...

Dave Grohl is a legend. He is a rock musical genius.



This is the second track off the new Foo Fighters album, and it's probably the best track on the album. They're all great, but this one is the one I come back to. This one and 'Stranger things have happened' are my personal standouts.

The song starts out quite restrained, and builds over the first couple of minutes, until the middle of the song. It busts out with a brief blast, then comes back to the previous melody. You just know something is coming, but not when you expect it. Just as you think it might tail off, it busts out again in a fantastic guitar tone till the end of the song.

All songs should be this good.

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Bad luck coming in threes...the cycling gods frown upon me thrice

They say bad luck comes in threes. I guess this proves it is pretty much correct.

Sunday on my regular road ride, I pull up at the turnaround mark with the other rider I was with, and step off the bike. Left foot down, swing the right off, just like usual. Put my right foot down and immediately thought "something doesnt feel right". At first I thought it was just my knee flexing out, which was painful from kicking a football around for an hour the day before. Stepped over to a large table where we sit for a drink and a stretch, and look down.

Not good.

The sole plate of my right shoe is coming away from the shoe itself. 5 month old shoes! After a little swearing and inspection, I figure I'm right to get home. Luckily I was, but now I'm real annoyed. I'm supposed to ride a 90km charity ride in two weeks, and I dont think I'll get a replacement in that time. And I'm sure not spending any more money for a short term pair. It'll be back to SPD and a different bike, which doesnt leave me much time to tune the position.

You'd think a medium-high level pair of shoes would last longer than 600km. I'm not a power sprinter, nor a particularly powerful climber. I like to blast up shorter hills now and then, but nothing your average recreational cyclist wouldnt do. And certainly nothing as tough as your amateur racer or triathlete would work. I dont walk around in them a lot, and its not the side I put on the ground when I stop. At best, I hope its just a case of swap them over, and the store can claim warranty on them and send them back. It has made me slightly sceptical of another pair the same, but I hope I at least get a chance to test another pair and see if it wasnt just poor quality of one pair of shoes.

That should be my run of bad luck over for a while now.


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Greatest Inventions: #76

Stretchy shoe laces.




Yes, they're yellow. I like them. You can get them in other colours, but these ones were on sale last night.

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Poll Dance #1

The curse of the commute

OK, so a couple of weeks ago I decide to ride to work. It's got a few hills in the way, nothing I couldnt go over at a nice easy rate. But, halfway to work that first time I break the chain. Roadside fix, get to work, no biggie. Going home, the thing threatens to bust again, so I stop, call the family, and they come rescue me from the roadside. At least the two guys who passed me as I sat under a nice tree asked if I needed anything.

So, yesterday, for an Australia-wide initiative originating in Victoria called 'Ride to Work Day', I do the same.

Pretty much halfway in, again, this...

I noticed the back was going a little squirmy, and look down to see a slowly deflating rear. Stop, climb off, break out the mini-pump. The second I put the pump head on and flicked the lever, the valve completely detaches itself from the tube.

So, quick change, fresh tube, pump it to 60PSI (about as good as I can get with the mini-pump and enough to get me riding), and off to work.

I was trying to figure out why this happened, as its never happened to me before. I'm thinking maybe I ran the ring too tight against the rim, and in using the floor pump to hit 110PSI its stressed the joint so much that riding has pushed the limits of the tube. That, plus a 90kg rider, and a few bumps on the way has seen the flex in the valve overcome the tube. Cause the valve was pretty tight against the rim it has had nowhere to go. Except for out.

Maybe if I'm doing this more often I should get some 28C wheels instead of 23C's.

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Chain, dang

This is not really what you want to see when you hear a noise riding home from work on a warm friday afternoon.

Especially after having fixed the same chain after it broke riding TO work that morning.

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Try, try again

The Australian Open tennis is coming up early next year. It seems Lleyton Hewitt succeeded in getting the courts changed to his liking.

It had better help.

Now we have 'True Blue' (seriously, they trade marked the colour name) plexicushion courts in place of the rebound ace of past opens. I've said it before and I'll say it again: If you're good enough, you'll win. No matter the surface. Roger's proved that. OK, so he hasn't won a slam on clay. Does he moan and ask the organisers to change it? No. He gets on with it.

Let's hope by changing the surface that it doesnt mean someone else will find it even more to their liking and roll through the tournament in straight sets.

Lleyton had better perform at this Australian Open, or he's going to have a lot of voices aimed squarely at him. Questioning.

Answers? We'll see.

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Idiots, averted!

Well, it nearly happened sunday.

Another bike crash, averted!

Riding through Narrabeen, some clown in a taxi decides to turn left right in front of me. And I do mean right in front of me. Lucky I was already over the brake hoods so I grabbed them both hard. Which of course resulted in unweighting the back wheel and locking it up for a nice long skid a fixed gear rider would've been proud of. We're talking 9 metres here. I could've won a skidding competition, I tells ya.

Not sure if the cab driver didnt see me, or just had no idea of speed v. distance, but this was as close as I've been without actually hitting the car. I did manage to get the boot slap as he turned across me, his wide-eyed stare from the drivers window as I two-finger saluted him perhaps indicated that he had no idea I was there.

I understand. You can easily miss seeing a guy in a red and silver long sleeve jersey, bright blue knicks, riding a silver bike, in sunshine.

This following a fellow rider crashing into another inanimate object and destroying his front end two weeks ago. He says he was lost in thought. Probably his next thought was 'how did I get down here?' as he lay on the concrete pedestrian safety island. There's still a black mark on the front edge where he went onto it. A couple of fractured ribs, a fractured shoulder blade and two weeks of headaches later, he'll probably be back riding soon. He'll need a new helmet too, after splitting the old one into two pieces.

The joys of riding. Probably get less injuries on a mountain bike riding trails.

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Song of the Week: Black Velvet Band

Black Velvet Band
words and music traditional

In a neat little town they call Belfast
Apprenticed in trade I was bound
And many's the hour of sweet happiness
I spent in that neat little town
Till bad misfortune befell me
That caused me to stray from the land
Far away from my friends and relations
To follow the black velvet band

Her eyes they shone like the diamond
You'd think she was queen of the land
And her hair hung over her shoulder
Tied up with a black velvet band

As I was out strolling down broadway
Not intending to go very far
I met with a frolicksome damsel
Applying her trade in a bar
Well a watch she took from a customer
And she slipped it right into my hand
Then the Watch came and put me in prison
Bad luck to the black velvet band

Before judge and jury next morning
For our trial I had to appear
The judge, he said, "My young fellow,
The case against you is quite clear.
Well seven years is your sentence.
You're going to Van Diemen's Land.
Far away from your friends and relations
To follow the black velvet band."

So come all you jolly young fellows
I'd have you take warning by me
Whenever you're out on the liquor
Beware of the pretty colleen
For she'll fill you with whiskey and porter
Until you're not able to stand
And the very next thing that you notice
You've landed in Van Diemen's Land


The Dropkick Murphys version has a few changed lyrics that pull the song more into their Boston punk/rock lineage of traditional Irish cover versions:

DKM: Black Velvet Band

In a neat little town they call Brockton
Apprenticed in trade I was bound
And many an hour's sweet happiness
I spent in that neat little town
Then bad misfortune befell me
That caused me to stray from the land
Far away from my friends and companions
To follow the black velvet band

Well, I was out strolling one evening
Not intending to stay very long
When I met a frolicsome damsel
As she came t-ripping along
A watch she pulled out a'pocket
And slipped it right into my hand
On the very first night that I met her
Bad luck to the black velvet band

Her eyes they shone like the diamonds
You'd think she was queen of the land
And her hair hung over her shoulder
Tied up in a black velvet band

Before judge and jury next morning
Both of us did appear
A gentleman claimed his jewelry
And the case against us was clear
Now seven long years transportation
Right down to Van Diemen's land
Far away from my friends and companions
To follow the black velvet band

Her eyes they shone like the diamonds
You'd think she was queen of the land
And her hair hung over her shoulder
Tied up with a black velvet band

So come all you jolly young fellows
I'd have you take warning by me
Whenever you're out on the liquor
Beware of the pretty colleen
She'll fill you with whiskey and porter
Until you're not able to stand
And the very next thing you'd know
You've landed in Van Diemen's Land

Her eyes they shone like the diamonds
You'd think she was queen of the land
And her hair hung over her shoulder
Tied up with a black velvet band

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This is (witticism here ending in AAAAAAAA)

I've been getting into the internet meme that is 300.this.is of late.

Those of you who have seen 300 (I, as yet, have not) will recognise the scene. The face of the lead character has since been morphed into many, many other locales with humorous results. Those of you who dont know it, by the time you follow one or two of the links, will recognise it if you've spent any time on message boards, chat rooms or humour sites.

Mirth aplenty here:
livejournal entry
ED entry
Dossier: Les parodies du film 300
This is Harold
Badges

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Of Real Racers and Road Roughies

Real Racers

Following allegations of theft and subterfuge in the Formula 1, the World Motor Sport Council has announced a decision regarding the McLaren/Ferrari saga.

In a big call, McLaren have been fined US$100million for after they were found to be in possession of Ferrari technical data, and may have incorporated it into their 2007 car.

Full report here.

Naturally, Ferrari are satisfied with the verdict. This hands them the 2007 title in an undeserving car. McLaren drivers Fernando Alonso and Lewis Hamilton are able to score points individually, but the team is barred from accruing any more constructors championship points.

With such a small community as Formula 1 designers, engineers and drivers, the passing of data is inevitable. But the large amount that the McLaren designer had amassed obviously warranted investigation. Whats to stop someone taking a photo of a Ferrari test, taking it back to the McLaren labs and divining the science behind it?

I cant shake a feeling...Ferrari are Italian, correct? Serie A, anyone??

If Ferrari were honest about this, they'd turn down the constructors championship this season, as would everyone else.

Road Roughies

To the bloke in the maroon Magna that tailgated me along Frenches Forest Road yesterday evening:
1. Learn where the nose of your car is or learn to be patient.
2. Dont get stuck into me cause you cant keep up once we travelled from the 50km/h zone to the 70km/h zone.
3. Dont go off like a frog in a sock cause you dont like the two finger salute.
4. You obviously fail to see the irony in giving me the 'nobody thinks big of you' finger wave as you drive by me at 25km/h over the speed limit.
5. Next time you do it I WILL BRAKE TEST YOU, BE AWARE!

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STUFF! (that looks like other stuff)*: Part 1

In what is hoped to become a semi-regular series, I bring you part one of...

STUFF!
(that looks like other stuff)*

Firstly, a submitted picture entitled Ham Happy:


There's nothing like a cheerful face greeting you first thing in the morning, is there now?

Secondly, incontrovertible proof of dinosaur activity in Melbourne (sometime pre-2007):

Or it might just be bark.

Thirdly, the natural occurrence of the bicycle, with bike fork twig:

Then again, it might just be an upside-down stick.

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*A shamelessly stolen idea, thanks Ben.

Yet another web presence opportunity - velospace.org

In the multitudes of corners of this thing called the internet, there are a great many places and spaces (as they are increasingly called) where people can put portions of their lives, loves, or lovelives on display.

For cyclists, there are a few. Some highly specialised, like Fixed Gear Gallery (catering to, you guessed it, fixed gear bicycles). Not that I have anything against fixed gear bikes, but a Billy Connolly line springs to mind when he talks of being a vegetarian. "I had a wee problem...I didnt like other vegetarians!" Insert 'fixed gear riders' in place of vegetarians and you have a fair idea of the culture behind it at present. Enough on that from me. For a good blast at that whole scene, read BikeSnobNYC. Super blog.

I have succumbed, again. Aside from this blog, my other blog (albeit far less frequently posted to), and a couple of other things I may or may not have forgotten about, I have posted a bicycle of mine on velospace.org.

Velospace describes itself thus: "velospace has one goal: to connect bike enthusiasts". In order to avoid flame wars between the road bike/mountain bike/fixed gear masses, Rule 1 of the site simply states: "Rule 1. Don't be a jerk."

Anyway, enough of that. Here is the link to my bike. Feel free to wander over, then wander around. I challenge you to try to navigate this site simply by the random button and NOT get a fixed gear hipster doofus bike within three clicks. Cant be done. They're like rabbits, breeding incessantly. At least until someone deems them uncool and they all sell them and start riding Vespas again. It doesnt say I cant be a jerk on here or BSNYC now, does it?

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When famous friends are very helpful

This is something that sh*ts me no end.

Mark Waugh, ex-Australian cricketer, caught speeding a few months ago in country NSW. 123km/h in an 80km/h zone. Claims he "didnt even realise it was an 80 zone". Fair enough. Yet, last time I checked, the maximum speed on NSW highways is 100km/h, aside from the 110 on the freeway system. So, be it an 80, 100 or 100km/h zone, you were still speeding you knob.

So, ex-Australian cricket captain Mark Taylor and ex-Australian Rugby Union coach and broadcaster Alan Jones write glowing letters of reference to show the law what a nice guy he is, and how this such an out of character move for Mark. Never mind the 5 speeding infringements over three weeks in 2001. That must have been very out of character.

He'd "understand the gravity of the situation", as Alan Jones puts it, more if he got a nice fat fine or a few months free of the encumbrance of a driving licence like a normal citizen.

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Best Song Ever

A while back I did a post on the Best Australian Song ever written.

Following a bit of listening to my past collection of music, I've decided to publish my opinion on the Best Song ever written, ever...ever...

Brace yourselves.

The award goes to...the Jimmy Webb penned, Glen Campbell vocalised "Wichita Lineman".

Lyrically perfect, musically sweet, mournful, sweeping, (insert next superlative), etc, etc.




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In praise of the female bass player

There is a fine tradition of rock and grunge bands in particular having female bass players.

It is nearly mandatory to mention above all for several reasons one Melissa auf Der Maur. Having played with bands such as Hole, and replacing D'Arcy in the Smashing Pumpkins, she's a great player, she's a redhead to boot, and (forgive me for being shallow here a minute) she's sexy while she does it.

The Forerunners

You cant even start this section without mentioning Suzi Quatro. Her career started in the 1970's and is still running. She is the archetypal female bass player. She rocks, and she loves doing it.

Of course, there are many other notables including, but not limited to:
Tina Weymouth of Talking Heads
Margot Olaverra and Kathy Valentine from The Go-Go's
Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth

From the 1970's to the early 1990's the female bass player started growing in stature (not literally, of course). And the Go-Go's are still playing to date as well.

The Second Batch

I've tried my best to arrange these in chronological order, so don't get stuck into me if I've duffed it. Some of these girls may have gotten into bands due to the names above, maybe not. Maybe they just decided that bass was what they wanted to do. Whichever, they do it well.

Michie Nakatani and Atsuko Yamano from Shonen Knife
Jo Bench from Bolt Thrower
Jennifer Finch, Gail Greenwood, and Janis Tanaka from L7
Michelle Leon and Maureen Herman from Babes in Toyland
Kim Deal from The Pixies
D'Arcy from The Smashing Pumpkins
Josephine Wiggs from The Breeders
Kira Roessler from Black Flag
Paz Lenchantin from A Perfect Circle
Nadja and Rayna from Coal Chamber
"Yoshie", Yoshiko Yamaguchi and Akiko Omo from The 5,6,7,8's

Many of these girls are still playing, and damn well. The latest couple that I've listened to and enjoyed their subtle work are:
Nikki Monninger from Silversun Pickups
Ginger Reyes from The Smashing Pumpkins

The Australian Connection

This is also a fine tradition in Australian bands, featuring forerunning all-girl bands of note, such as Nitocris and The Blitz Babiez. And it's some list:
Peggy Frew from Art of Fighting
Janet from Spiderbait
Kellie Lloyd from Screamfeeder
Patricia Young from The Clouds
Rayke Stapleton from Pollyanna
Vanessa Thornton from Jebediah
Stephanie Ashworth from Something For Kate
Irit from Cor'delle (shameless plug for my brothers band)

Of course, if you want a well put together, complete, comprehensive list, see BassGirls.com.

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Blame the coach and other fundamental problems in professional sports

Four AFL clubs have sacked their coaches after poor team perfomances so far this season. It happened in the NRL as well, with one coach walking away mid-season.

The teams are not performing. Hey, why not question the coach? Sure. He can be held responsible for the forwards not kicking goals, the defenders under-performing, no go-forward from the big men, sloppy ball handling, etc , etc.

Perhaps the organisation refuse to believe that someone they are paying $100,000 a season, in many cases more, cannot possibly under-perform. Too many articles regarding footballers of late are complaining about salary cap pressures and wages, forcing players to look to other clubs.

Here's an idea: perhaps, by doing this, and the grab for money that professional sports has become, the club administrations and competition controllers are making a rod for their own back. Clubs complain about not being able to afford high numbers of skilled, quality players to lead a team. Understandable, when they're all asking $250,000+ a season. As a result, they let many go, rest it all on one or two guys, then bring in other players from juniors and outside areas. When the team doesnt come up to scratch, blame the coach.

See how it works?

Perhaps we need a return to footballers doing something post-football instead of becoming "commentators". Lots of players in the 1980's and 1990's had day jobs. OK, so the professionalism push has demanded more training, making day jobs impossible for many. 'Save for a rainy day' seems to have been stretched into 'save for a post-football life'. There's time to gamble, drink and lark about. There's also time, therefore, to study, is there not? So you wont make $100,000 a year up-front being an accountant, or real-estate agent, or fireman. But the $100,000 a year you do make for your professional 7-10 years will see you through the first ten of another profession without too much hardship, surely.

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J'ai une nouvelle bicyclette. C'est très bon.

Yes, another bike...this bring the total in the garage to somewhere close to 8, if you include kids bikes. I'd have to say that we could probably lose a couple but that's not the point! "Fitness for purpose" is a phrase I embrace in this regard.

Built up from an ebay sourced frame that included forks and head stem that went for a reasonable price; wheels, derailleurs, seat and post I already had from a previous purchase; and a smattering of remaining parts that were bought because they were cheap, yet not neccessarily nasty. I'll spare the details for the non-caring types.

Just need the LBS to tighten the bottom bracket and trim the cables, and its ready and waiting to be used.

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I ♥...

I ♥ carbon fibre.

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Mad as a cut snake...

Hey!

Visit my other blog, The Cut Snake.

A place for those outraged 'letters to the editor' that I've always wanted to write to stir, complain, or just be narky. What Martin/Molloy used to term 'the cut snakes'.

"When will the ABC come to its senses and replay each and every episode of Birds of a Feather? I found it positively delightful!" - Mick Molloy

It's in its infancy, but it will grow. Feel free to request guest posts.

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G.E.R. is a B.I.T.C.H.

A few troubles over the past month or so led me to consult the family doctor.

A chest x-ray, a reassurance that I wasn't about to have a heart attack or stroke, and a couple of weeks later, I have been diagnosed with G.E.R. Some people use G.O.R., which I guess is more correct once you read the extended name.

G.E.R. is gastro-oesophageal reflux. Different from G.E.R.D. in that is not a disease, hence the lack of D., and implies a short term inconvenience rather than a non-reversible disease. If you read the articles, you'll see there is various symptoms. My main symptom is the shortness of breath. Which can prove a mite difficult now and then, especially after eating.

The majority of the 'net based information says lose weight, stop smoking, minimise coffee intake, dont eat fatty or acidic foods, and eat less at one time. It can be controlled with diet, or in extreme cases, once you earn the extra D., surgery may be required.

It's funny, but I dont have the breathing difficulties if I'm riding, only if I'm sitting still, at work, or driving home. Maybe this is 'The Sign' that it's time to lose weight? According to the Australian Health guidelines, I am 'Preobese', with a BMI of 26.881. Get it under 25 and you're magically healthy! Harry Potter and the Chamber of Exercise...

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Why does anyone give Harold Scruby the time of day?

Harold Scruby is a VERY nearsighted man.

Andrew Fraser is not much better.

Both of these men are outraged in response to an auction by the NSW Roads Minister Eric Roozendaal of a drag-race joyride.

Sensationalism at its finest, and yet another opportunity for Harold to get his name in print, his voice on radio and probably his head on television. Any time a long bow can be drawn, you'll find Harold holding the other end.

Hey, Harold. I've got an idea for you. Pull your head in. The auction is for a drag-race joyride in a controlled environment.

Anyone who highlights the previous accident as a reason not to promote this type of thing is plainly missing the point. "Less than a week ago six people were killed in a drag racing charity event in the US after an Australian pro-driver skidded out of control during a burnout." Yes, on a public road, with pedestrians standing beside that road, and limited or no safety or guardrails to speak of. Quite the opposite of WSID. Safety abounds! Control galore!

You cannot even compare the two without having someone laugh at you.

What better opportunity to display the way young drivers should be testing and driving their cars than a safe, organised, sponsored off-street event? Tell us, Harold. Please.

I want to know. Don't point out a problem. Offer a solution and maybe we'll listen.

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Bill of Sanity - A New American Constitutional Preamble

Whilst trawling through the various blogger.com sites, I came across this. A sensible piece of home truth if ever I read one.

Clicky clicky!

For those to lazy to click and follow, I reproduce the preamble here:

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A New Preamble for the Constitution

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

This has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Georgia. This guy should run for President one day...

How about that, have you ever thought about what you would write? Is it like this?

Mine would be very similar I suspect!

Peace
Baby

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Your month by the stars - June

Gemini - May 22 - June 21

This is the time that your long-held idea for a business will come to fruition, particularly at the local sports stadium where a sudden influx of bees combines with a dust storm, resulting in an allergic crowd of truly epic proportions.

Lucky number: 0


Cancer - June 22 - July 22

Try to avoid any tea-leaf, palm- or tarot-card readers this month, as June is their annual Month of MadnessTM. Just for fun they might tell you that a tall, dark stranger will enter your life and steal your heart. More likely, they will enter your house and steal your TV set while you are asleep.

Lucky number: 10


Leo - July 23 -August 21

Do not go to your hairdressers this month and say, “I’m a Leo, so give me a haircut that suits my star sign”. Not unless you want to be laughed at by adults or have schoolchildren make growling, roaring noises to your face.

Lucky number: 9


Virgo - August 22 - September 23

Not for long, you won’t be.

Lucky number: 17


Libra - September 24 - October 23

Learn the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Get a job at a local restaurant. Get your teeth whitened. Make sure to be working on June 15th at around 8pm. Save space on your wall for a framed copy of the June 16th newspaper front page.

Lucky number: 15


Scorpio - October 24 - November 22

Don’t sit there. Please. Keep this number handy: 000 (if in Australia), 999 (if in England), 911 (if in America). Yodel loudly if in Scandinavia.

Lucky number: 134,906,283


Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22

You don’t even think you could find the place on a map, but someplace north of Prague, towards the border there, there is a little town that will be forever etched in your memory. Just as the local’s fervent distrust of outsiders is forever etched on your upper arm.

Lucky number: 33


Capricorn - December 23 - January 20

Your long distance relationship will very slowly start to drain your bank balance as your purchase of multitudes of stamps. Sending packages to your beloved in Turkmenistan will turn out to be not such a good idea as all contact suddenly ceases once you send her a pair of diamond earrings.

Lucky number: 21


Aquarius - January 21 - February 19

Your personal crusade to turn every day into St Patrick’s Day will not only result in “the wearin’ o’ the green”, but also the “punchin’ o’ the face” and the “callin’ o’ the ambulance”. Luckily for you, it won’t quite stretch to the “identifyin’ o’ the body”.

Lucky number: 22


Pisces - February 20- March 20

A lack of decision making from your direct superior will lead you and two other orderlies on a wild goose chase this month. Neither arguments, a swift boot to the groin, or a flat phone battery will assist in extracting you from your predicament. Keep a knife handy to cover the eventuality that you do actually capture your ‘wild goose’.

Lucky number: 2¾


Aries - March 21 - April 20

Your month looks bleak. A sudden case of stigmata will throw a spanner in your holiday plans as you pass by a convention of South American nuns at a local community centre. Be prepared for a longer stay in Nicaragua than planned.

Lucky number: 5


Taurus - April 21 - May 21

Rampaging through Morocco with a dozen other footballers and their wives will give you a fresh insight into the other universal language, violence. The local police and embassy staff will ignore your argument that the words from the bazaar stall keepers were incomprehensible, and that you received no warning that your collective a*se was about to be kicked.

Lucky number: 0.3489


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