Your month by the stars - February

Aquarius - January 21 - February 19

A bout of Dengue Fever will halt your marathon pie-eating attempt, but don’t take it to heart. The support base of family and friends will still be in town after their hospital visit. You should anticipate a month-long recovery and simply try again.

Lucky letter: G


Pisces - February 20- March 20

Flying at such high altitudes is just asking for trouble. You deserve what’s coming. Listen for the phrase “Watch your six…”, then panic.

Lucky letter: C


Aries - March 21 - April 20

Your month holds promise as the total stranger you saw on the news as “the only person ever to return from an event horizon” (not the movie) awakes from a coma speaking your name.

Lucky letter: S


Taurus - April 21 - May 21

That business prospect in central Europe that you are intent on seeing should remain at a good distance for another few weeks. Just until this whole "global economic crisis” thing blows over. It’s remarkable how the human brain can adapt to tough situations and still see a sucker coming a mile off.

Lucky letter: W


Gemini - May 22 - June 21

Your neighbours are always fighting, their dog keeps coming into your yard and defecating on your lawn, and now their step-son is hooking up with your foster daughter. It can get worse though. Keep the baseball bat handy at night.

Lucky letter: B


Cancer - June 22 - July 22

There’s a Tom Jones lookalike contest on the 25th at your local entertainment venue of choice. You should enter, cause I just got a good feelin’ about this one.

Lucky letter: P


Leo - July 23 -August 21

Human Botfly larva. Google it before your upcoming trip. Take tweezers.

Lucky letter: F


Virgo - August 22 - September 23

Graphic design was always your strong point. Staying off the drink was not. Your strategy, however, will pay off handsomely when you forget about the meeting you had scheduled, and in a hung-over state, give the board of Shell the 1970 version of their own logo in the hope they forgot what it looked like.

Lucky letter: H


Libra - September 24 - October 23

Mark the 2028 Olympics down now for the debut of your as yet unborn child in the sport she will pioneer. Oh, and a boyfriend is in your near future, too.

Lucky letter: Z


Scorpio - October 24 - November 22

An old friend will re-enter your life, and your bank accounts while you are drugged and face down on your bed. You can scarcely imagine what else he will enter while you’re out. Take precautions and be very wary.

Lucky letter: L


Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22

Scandinavia used to be so friendly and open. What happened?

Lucky letter: Q


Capricorn - December 23 - January 20

New Zealand Customs officials will question the birth date on your passport as you try to get out of the country following your visit to their highly renowned plastic surgeon. They don’t take too kindly to 10-year old boys flying on their own. Rethink your level of surgery, particularly if you are a 52-year old woman.

Lucky letter: Y

Insert tagline here...

Your month by the stars - June

Gemini - May 22 - June 21

This is the time that your long-held idea for a business will come to fruition, particularly at the local sports stadium where a sudden influx of bees combines with a dust storm, resulting in an allergic crowd of truly epic proportions.

Lucky number: 0


Cancer - June 22 - July 22

Try to avoid any tea-leaf, palm- or tarot-card readers this month, as June is their annual Month of MadnessTM. Just for fun they might tell you that a tall, dark stranger will enter your life and steal your heart. More likely, they will enter your house and steal your TV set while you are asleep.

Lucky number: 10


Leo - July 23 -August 21

Do not go to your hairdressers this month and say, “I’m a Leo, so give me a haircut that suits my star sign”. Not unless you want to be laughed at by adults or have schoolchildren make growling, roaring noises to your face.

Lucky number: 9


Virgo - August 22 - September 23

Not for long, you won’t be.

Lucky number: 17


Libra - September 24 - October 23

Learn the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Get a job at a local restaurant. Get your teeth whitened. Make sure to be working on June 15th at around 8pm. Save space on your wall for a framed copy of the June 16th newspaper front page.

Lucky number: 15


Scorpio - October 24 - November 22

Don’t sit there. Please. Keep this number handy: 000 (if in Australia), 999 (if in England), 911 (if in America). Yodel loudly if in Scandinavia.

Lucky number: 134,906,283


Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22

You don’t even think you could find the place on a map, but someplace north of Prague, towards the border there, there is a little town that will be forever etched in your memory. Just as the local’s fervent distrust of outsiders is forever etched on your upper arm.

Lucky number: 33


Capricorn - December 23 - January 20

Your long distance relationship will very slowly start to drain your bank balance as your purchase of multitudes of stamps. Sending packages to your beloved in Turkmenistan will turn out to be not such a good idea as all contact suddenly ceases once you send her a pair of diamond earrings.

Lucky number: 21


Aquarius - January 21 - February 19

Your personal crusade to turn every day into St Patrick’s Day will not only result in “the wearin’ o’ the green”, but also the “punchin’ o’ the face” and the “callin’ o’ the ambulance”. Luckily for you, it won’t quite stretch to the “identifyin’ o’ the body”.

Lucky number: 22


Pisces - February 20- March 20

A lack of decision making from your direct superior will lead you and two other orderlies on a wild goose chase this month. Neither arguments, a swift boot to the groin, or a flat phone battery will assist in extracting you from your predicament. Keep a knife handy to cover the eventuality that you do actually capture your ‘wild goose’.

Lucky number: 2¾


Aries - March 21 - April 20

Your month looks bleak. A sudden case of stigmata will throw a spanner in your holiday plans as you pass by a convention of South American nuns at a local community centre. Be prepared for a longer stay in Nicaragua than planned.

Lucky number: 5


Taurus - April 21 - May 21

Rampaging through Morocco with a dozen other footballers and their wives will give you a fresh insight into the other universal language, violence. The local police and embassy staff will ignore your argument that the words from the bazaar stall keepers were incomprehensible, and that you received no warning that your collective a*se was about to be kicked.

Lucky number: 0.3489


Insert tagline here...

Your month by the stars - April

Aries - March 21 - April 20

Your month is filled with baskets of promise. If by promise you understand that to mean darning, you’re in real luck. Your role as seamstress for the 54th Battalion will not be questioned unless the men find their toes poking comically out of their socks.

Disease of the month: PROTEUS SYNDROME
Lucky number: 46


Taurus - April 21 - May 21

Your unfortunate choice of footwear will lead people to describe your demise as a ‘bull in a china shop’. Your other mistake for this month will be trying to seek out that new dinner setting you spotted in a magazine.

Disease of the month: ALICE IN WONDERLAND SYNDROME
Lucky number: 0.5


Gemini - May 22 - June 21

The activities of you and your like-minded twin result in two of the Los Angeles Lakers cheer squad applauding your athletic performance in the bedroom. Hiding in the bathroom awaiting your turn will lead to you contracting tinea from the damp shower floor.

Disease of the month: HYPERTRICHOSIS
Lucky number: 276,375


Cancer - June 22 - July 22

Keep a close eye on your cat. Remember the phrase: “keep your friends close, and you enemies even closer”. You should let your cat sleep IN your bed, to avoid him making off with your daughter.

Disease of the month: CAPGRAS SYNDROME
Lucky number: 1


Leo - July 23 -August 21

Your car will need a major overhaul this month, which will cause your mechanic to remark “How did you get that much sand in the sub-frame?” Only the beached whales know for certain, but the local Greenpeace activists will have a fair idea come months-end.

Disease of the month: PICA
Lucky number: 1


Virgo - August 22 - September 23

Your teachers will be amazed when you are the first ever third-grader to count to eleven on your fingers. A quick visit to the emergency room results after you inadvertently flip the bird to two people at once.

Disease of the month: POLYDACTYLISM
Lucky number: 6


Libra - September 24 - October 23

Should you find yourself being followed by a group of unseen, growling animals, remember this sage advice: a concealed handgun never goes out of fashion. You may be spared the animals if the police request you to turn out your pockets at any time prior. Drive carefully to avoid traffic infringements until the 28th.

Disease of the month: FOREIGN ACCENT SYNDROME
Lucky number: 19


Scorpio - October 24 - November 22

No, you cannot fly. Your planning for this year’s UK Birdman Rally in Bognor Regis will take a literal and painful nosedive. Your eventual release from hospital in September will prove ironic, as you will be just in time to see your design achieve the record distance flight in the event.

Disease of the month: RILEY-DAY SYNDROME
Lucky number: 34


Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22

An encounter with a hairdresser will bring new horizons. The quantity of bleach she feels compelled to use on your hair will render you senseless, waking to find yourself cast onto a deserted rubbish tip. You will not recognize local landmarks, or local dialects, and will be treated as an outcast in your newfound society for quite some time.

Disease of the month: ONDINE'S CURSE
Lucky number: 41


Capricorn - December 23 - January 20

An impulse glance in the cabin of a Winnebago at a local dealer will lead to a cross-country trip. In the process of the three-week endeavour, you will find yourself, but lose your friends, family, and pets at various roadside rest stops.

Disease of the month: ALIEN HAND SYNDROME
Lucky number: 27


Aquarius - January 21 - February 19

Choose this month, above all, to stay away from bazaars. That monkey’s hand may look cute now, but it will not be so appealing scuttling across your hardwood floors as you and your husband stand on the couch screaming.

Disease of the month: KORO
Lucky number: 28


Pisces - February 20- March 20

Fortune is in your monthly future, more specifically the loss of. The Sioux Nation Casino does not take kindly to naked, jabbering people running through the banks of poker machines whining about how they’ve “lost it all”. A glance downwards will confirm that you never had it to begin with.

Disease of the month: JERUSALEM SYNDROME
Lucky number: ¾

Insert tagline here...