Aquarius - January 21 - February 19
A bout of Dengue Fever will halt your marathon pie-eating attempt, but don’t take it to heart. The support base of family and friends will still be in town after their hospital visit. You should anticipate a month-long recovery and simply try again.
Lucky letter: G
Pisces - February 20- March 20
Flying at such high altitudes is just asking for trouble. You deserve what’s coming. Listen for the phrase “Watch your six…”, then panic.
Lucky letter: C
Aries - March 21 - April 20
Your month holds promise as the total stranger you saw on the news as “the only person ever to return from an event horizon” (not the movie) awakes from a coma speaking your name.
Lucky letter: S
Taurus - April 21 - May 21
That business prospect in central Europe that you are intent on seeing should remain at a good distance for another few weeks. Just until this whole "global economic crisis” thing blows over. It’s remarkable how the human brain can adapt to tough situations and still see a sucker coming a mile off.
Lucky letter: W
Gemini - May 22 - June 21
Your neighbours are always fighting, their dog keeps coming into your yard and defecating on your lawn, and now their step-son is hooking up with your foster daughter. It can get worse though. Keep the baseball bat handy at night.
Lucky letter: B
Cancer - June 22 - July 22
There’s a Tom Jones lookalike contest on the 25th at your local entertainment venue of choice. You should enter, cause I just got a good feelin’ about this one.
Lucky letter: P
Leo - July 23 -August 21
Human Botfly larva. Google it before your upcoming trip. Take tweezers.
Lucky letter: F
Virgo - August 22 - September 23
Graphic design was always your strong point. Staying off the drink was not. Your strategy, however, will pay off handsomely when you forget about the meeting you had scheduled, and in a hung-over state, give the board of Shell the 1970 version of their own logo in the hope they forgot what it looked like.
Lucky letter: H
Libra - September 24 - October 23
Mark the 2028 Olympics down now for the debut of your as yet unborn child in the sport she will pioneer. Oh, and a boyfriend is in your near future, too.
Lucky letter: Z
Scorpio - October 24 - November 22
An old friend will re-enter your life, and your bank accounts while you are drugged and face down on your bed. You can scarcely imagine what else he will enter while you’re out. Take precautions and be very wary.
Lucky letter: L
Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22
Scandinavia used to be so friendly and open. What happened?
Lucky letter: Q
Capricorn - December 23 - January 20
New Zealand Customs officials will question the birth date on your passport as you try to get out of the country following your visit to their highly renowned plastic surgeon. They don’t take too kindly to 10-year old boys flying on their own. Rethink your level of surgery, particularly if you are a 52-year old woman.
Lucky letter: Y
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