Friday, April 27, 2007

Curry and seduction rarely happen on the same night

Went to the Enmore Theatre in Sydney last night to see Dylan Moran in his one-man stand up comedy show.

A show that was funny, biting, self-deprecating, irreverent and darn good. Part story based comedy, part one liners, part sarcasm at late audience members, a highly successful mixture of several genres, if you will. I think part of the Australian love of humour, particularly Irish comedians, is the shared love of taking the mickey out of ourselves, and not objecting when other people do it.

Should he come back to your town (even you, Hobart), go see him.

Insert tagline here...

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Hi, I'm an Attention Whore...what's your name?

For some inexplicable reason, season 6, or 7, or whatever, of Big Brother has started in Australia.

This is a show that lost its gloss after 2 seasons, as people became aware of the social experiment nature of the thing, and turned it into an overt, gameplaying, testosterone-fuelled, peer-pressured frustration-fest.

I can do without ten people (or however many are there, 16? 41?), attention whores to a tee, carrying on about what turns them on, what turns them off, which other attention whore they'd like to shag, and wondering what they'll do with their 2 minutes of infamy once they get voted out cause society views them as uninteresting enough to not watch.

That is all you'll hear about Big Brother from me, unless someone kills/maims another attention whore; copulates live on national television; teabags, turkey slaps or otherwise interferes with another attention whore's face with their testicles; threatens to leave because the pressure of the attention was too much; puts the word on the host; manages to succeed in putting the word on the host; or manages to get pizza delivered successfully, AND pay for it.

Insert tagline here...

Friday, April 13, 2007

Best Australian Song ever written

Just been thinking about this, listening to a few of late.

There's a lot of songs out there that any self-respecting Australian, regardless of where they are in the world, knows and inevitably hums or sings along with. Loads of AC/DC, the ones we claim as our own like Crowded House, Midnight Oil, silverchair, and doubltess many thousands more.

I have two votes for Best Australian Song ever written.

The first is "Harpoon", by Jebediah. Covered by one other band of note to date, I find it a remarkable song for its musical simplicity, lyrical meaning and tone. Even if not everyone likes Kevin Mitchell's voice.

The second is somewhat of unique in Australian music, as it is perhaps viewed as a song that is somewhat over-rated, yet recognised by many as an Australian song no matter where it is played. It is "Throw your arms around me", by Hunters and Collectors.

Covered by nearly everyone, including Pearl Jam, Crowded House and the Doug Anthony All Stars, this is one of those songs that, done well, I never get sick of hearing. Sometimes I dont even mind that Eddie Vedder totally butchers the lyrics.

On another note, its my dad's birthday today.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Insert tagline here...

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Cotton Wool Time

Kids are remarkably resilient. Actually, its sometimes quite frightening what can happen to them, and six months later you'd never know they were even sick.

And then people worry about the dreaded trips to the doctor for needles. And someone takes heed of the mass hysteria and comes up with this. Emla.

A quote from the site: "Research has shown that children think a needle is the most frightening and painful thing about visiting the doctor. It has been shown that a child is likely to retain a fear of needles if they have been traumatised at the doctor’s previously." Now how would that previous trauma have happened? Perhaps mum said that needles dont hurt. A little white lie that wont hurt junior. Or will it? Its often not the needle that hurts, its the dastardly gunk they squirt into your body thats more painful. Maybe its healthy to be afraid of needles, did someone think of that? Every time you get one its to stop something going wrong, because something is going wrong, or something has gone wrong.

I wonder if they make it in a big enough tube for me to numb the feeling of all this namby-pamby treatment surrounding me.

Also, should you be thinking of having a baby, are having a baby, have just had a baby, or just like reading about how other people are mollycoddling their youngsters, go here. I find their claim of "Australia's largest Family website and one of the largest womens sites in Australia" interesting. 100,000 members? Lets do some mathematics.

22,000,000 people in Australia
The average family has 2.3 children.
If families are 4.3 people, then there are 5, 116,279 families.
100,000 members (assuming a member is a family unit).
1.95% of Australian families are members.

If we break this down literally:
22,000,000 people.
100,000 members.
0.45% of Australians are members.

And they're the biggest site?

I wonder how many on the subscriber list for, or

Insert tagline here...

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Your month by the stars - April

Aries - March 21 - April 20

Your month is filled with baskets of promise. If by promise you understand that to mean darning, you’re in real luck. Your role as seamstress for the 54th Battalion will not be questioned unless the men find their toes poking comically out of their socks.

Disease of the month: PROTEUS SYNDROME
Lucky number: 46

Taurus - April 21 - May 21

Your unfortunate choice of footwear will lead people to describe your demise as a ‘bull in a china shop’. Your other mistake for this month will be trying to seek out that new dinner setting you spotted in a magazine.

Lucky number: 0.5

Gemini - May 22 - June 21

The activities of you and your like-minded twin result in two of the Los Angeles Lakers cheer squad applauding your athletic performance in the bedroom. Hiding in the bathroom awaiting your turn will lead to you contracting tinea from the damp shower floor.

Disease of the month: HYPERTRICHOSIS
Lucky number: 276,375

Cancer - June 22 - July 22

Keep a close eye on your cat. Remember the phrase: “keep your friends close, and you enemies even closer”. You should let your cat sleep IN your bed, to avoid him making off with your daughter.

Disease of the month: CAPGRAS SYNDROME
Lucky number: 1

Leo - July 23 -August 21

Your car will need a major overhaul this month, which will cause your mechanic to remark “How did you get that much sand in the sub-frame?” Only the beached whales know for certain, but the local Greenpeace activists will have a fair idea come months-end.

Disease of the month: PICA
Lucky number: 1

Virgo - August 22 - September 23

Your teachers will be amazed when you are the first ever third-grader to count to eleven on your fingers. A quick visit to the emergency room results after you inadvertently flip the bird to two people at once.

Disease of the month: POLYDACTYLISM
Lucky number: 6

Libra - September 24 - October 23

Should you find yourself being followed by a group of unseen, growling animals, remember this sage advice: a concealed handgun never goes out of fashion. You may be spared the animals if the police request you to turn out your pockets at any time prior. Drive carefully to avoid traffic infringements until the 28th.

Disease of the month: FOREIGN ACCENT SYNDROME
Lucky number: 19

Scorpio - October 24 - November 22

No, you cannot fly. Your planning for this year’s UK Birdman Rally in Bognor Regis will take a literal and painful nosedive. Your eventual release from hospital in September will prove ironic, as you will be just in time to see your design achieve the record distance flight in the event.

Disease of the month: RILEY-DAY SYNDROME
Lucky number: 34

Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22

An encounter with a hairdresser will bring new horizons. The quantity of bleach she feels compelled to use on your hair will render you senseless, waking to find yourself cast onto a deserted rubbish tip. You will not recognize local landmarks, or local dialects, and will be treated as an outcast in your newfound society for quite some time.

Disease of the month: ONDINE'S CURSE
Lucky number: 41

Capricorn - December 23 - January 20

An impulse glance in the cabin of a Winnebago at a local dealer will lead to a cross-country trip. In the process of the three-week endeavour, you will find yourself, but lose your friends, family, and pets at various roadside rest stops.

Disease of the month: ALIEN HAND SYNDROME
Lucky number: 27

Aquarius - January 21 - February 19

Choose this month, above all, to stay away from bazaars. That monkey’s hand may look cute now, but it will not be so appealing scuttling across your hardwood floors as you and your husband stand on the couch screaming.

Disease of the month: KORO
Lucky number: 28

Pisces - February 20- March 20

Fortune is in your monthly future, more specifically the loss of. The Sioux Nation Casino does not take kindly to naked, jabbering people running through the banks of poker machines whining about how they’ve “lost it all”. A glance downwards will confirm that you never had it to begin with.

Disease of the month: JERUSALEM SYNDROME
Lucky number: ¾

Insert tagline here...

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Rampant Stupidity Post #1

I’ve been noticing a lot of rampant stupidity in many forms of late. I thought I would highlight to you a few of these so that you may steer clear of such stupidity.

Not realising your tyres are so bald as to be dangerous is rampantly stupid. Vehicles older than two years are required to have passed inspections to be registered. What this means is that you can effectively go up to THREE YEARS without being forced to check your tyres. This is quite obviously stupid. Modern tyres are quite hard wearing, but sports tyres are not, and will often last 20,000km. That might be two year, so you get a third year driving around on bald rubber. Having an accident in such a state may void your insurance. Tyres should be inspected within two years regardless of the age of the car.

Nothing says ‘stupid’ like nice wheels, and rusty nuts. Except maybe nice big wheels that look totally out of place on a bog standard car.

Owning a boat, trailer or caravan and then realising you don’t have anywhere to park it but in a residential parking zone, is immensely stupid. Especially when it quite obviously hasn’t moved for some time. Should you decide to buy such an attachment, make sure you have someplace secure to leave it, without inconveniencing all your neighbours who also don’t have garages to put their cars in.

A shoe that is neither a shoe, nor a thong (flip-flop or sandal for you non-Australian types), the Croc is immensely stupid. What sort of life do you lead that you actually require rubber, anti-bacterial shoes as leisurewear? Don’t take enough showers? Can’t afford that pedicure once a month? Don’t like to feel the bare earth beneath your feet now and then?

Calling your business Layher. ‘nuff said.

But no post would be complete without my own dose of rampant stupidity. For instance, owning a 17 year old car and expecting it to run like a swiss watch is quite obviously rampantly stupid.

Insert tagline here...