Aries - March 21 - April 20
Your month is filled with baskets of promise. If by promise you understand that to mean darning, you’re in real luck. Your role as seamstress for the 54th Battalion will not be questioned unless the men find their toes poking comically out of their socks.
Disease of the month: PROTEUS SYNDROME
Lucky number: 46
Taurus - April 21 - May 21
Your unfortunate choice of footwear will lead people to describe your demise as a ‘bull in a china shop’. Your other mistake for this month will be trying to seek out that new dinner setting you spotted in a magazine.
Disease of the month: ALICE IN WONDERLAND SYNDROME
Lucky number: 0.5
Gemini - May 22 - June 21
The activities of you and your like-minded twin result in two of the Los Angeles Lakers cheer squad applauding your athletic performance in the bedroom. Hiding in the bathroom awaiting your turn will lead to you contracting tinea from the damp shower floor.
Disease of the month: HYPERTRICHOSIS
Lucky number: 276,375
Cancer - June 22 - July 22
Keep a close eye on your cat. Remember the phrase: “keep your friends close, and you enemies even closer”. You should let your cat sleep IN your bed, to avoid him making off with your daughter.
Disease of the month: CAPGRAS SYNDROME
Lucky number: 1
Leo - July 23 -August 21
Your car will need a major overhaul this month, which will cause your mechanic to remark “How did you get that much sand in the sub-frame?” Only the beached whales know for certain, but the local Greenpeace activists will have a fair idea come months-end.
Disease of the month: PICA
Lucky number: 1
Virgo - August 22 - September 23
Your teachers will be amazed when you are the first ever third-grader to count to eleven on your fingers. A quick visit to the emergency room results after you inadvertently flip the bird to two people at once.
Disease of the month: POLYDACTYLISM
Lucky number: 6
Libra - September 24 - October 23
Should you find yourself being followed by a group of unseen, growling animals, remember this sage advice: a concealed handgun never goes out of fashion. You may be spared the animals if the police request you to turn out your pockets at any time prior. Drive carefully to avoid traffic infringements until the 28th.
Disease of the month: FOREIGN ACCENT SYNDROME
Lucky number: 19
Scorpio - October 24 - November 22
No, you cannot fly. Your planning for this year’s UK Birdman Rally in Bognor Regis will take a literal and painful nosedive. Your eventual release from hospital in September will prove ironic, as you will be just in time to see your design achieve the record distance flight in the event.
Disease of the month: RILEY-DAY SYNDROME
Lucky number: 34
Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22
An encounter with a hairdresser will bring new horizons. The quantity of bleach she feels compelled to use on your hair will render you senseless, waking to find yourself cast onto a deserted rubbish tip. You will not recognize local landmarks, or local dialects, and will be treated as an outcast in your newfound society for quite some time.
Disease of the month: ONDINE'S CURSE
Lucky number: 41
Capricorn - December 23 - January 20
An impulse glance in the cabin of a Winnebago at a local dealer will lead to a cross-country trip. In the process of the three-week endeavour, you will find yourself, but lose your friends, family, and pets at various roadside rest stops.
Disease of the month: ALIEN HAND SYNDROME
Lucky number: 27
Aquarius - January 21 - February 19
Choose this month, above all, to stay away from bazaars. That monkey’s hand may look cute now, but it will not be so appealing scuttling across your hardwood floors as you and your husband stand on the couch screaming.
Disease of the month: KORO
Lucky number: 28
Pisces - February 20- March 20
Fortune is in your monthly future, more specifically the loss of. The Sioux Nation Casino does not take kindly to naked, jabbering people running through the banks of poker machines whining about how they’ve “lost it all”. A glance downwards will confirm that you never had it to begin with.
Disease of the month: JERUSALEM SYNDROME
Lucky number: ¾
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