Gemini - May 22 - June 21
This is the time that your long-held idea for a business will come to fruition, particularly at the local sports stadium where a sudden influx of bees combines with a dust storm, resulting in an allergic crowd of truly epic proportions.
Lucky number: 0
Cancer - June 22 - July 22
Try to avoid any tea-leaf, palm- or tarot-card readers this month, as June is their annual Month of MadnessTM. Just for fun they might tell you that a tall, dark stranger will enter your life and steal your heart. More likely, they will enter your house and steal your TV set while you are asleep.
Lucky number: 10
Leo - July 23 -August 21
Do not go to your hairdressers this month and say, “I’m a Leo, so give me a haircut that suits my star sign”. Not unless you want to be laughed at by adults or have schoolchildren make growling, roaring noises to your face.
Lucky number: 9
Virgo - August 22 - September 23
Not for long, you won’t be.
Lucky number: 17
Libra - September 24 - October 23
Learn the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Get a job at a local restaurant. Get your teeth whitened. Make sure to be working on June 15th at around 8pm. Save space on your wall for a framed copy of the June 16th newspaper front page.
Lucky number: 15
Scorpio - October 24 - November 22
Don’t sit there. Please. Keep this number handy: 000 (if in Australia), 999 (if in England), 911 (if in America). Yodel loudly if in Scandinavia.
Lucky number: 134,906,283
Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22
You don’t even think you could find the place on a map, but someplace north of Prague, towards the border there, there is a little town that will be forever etched in your memory. Just as the local’s fervent distrust of outsiders is forever etched on your upper arm.
Lucky number: 33
Capricorn - December 23 - January 20
Your long distance relationship will very slowly start to drain your bank balance as your purchase of multitudes of stamps. Sending packages to your beloved in Turkmenistan will turn out to be not such a good idea as all contact suddenly ceases once you send her a pair of diamond earrings.
Lucky number: 21
Aquarius - January 21 - February 19
Your personal crusade to turn every day into St Patrick’s Day will not only result in “the wearin’ o’ the green”, but also the “punchin’ o’ the face” and the “callin’ o’ the ambulance”. Luckily for you, it won’t quite stretch to the “identifyin’ o’ the body”.
Lucky number: 22
Pisces - February 20- March 20
A lack of decision making from your direct superior will lead you and two other orderlies on a wild goose chase this month. Neither arguments, a swift boot to the groin, or a flat phone battery will assist in extracting you from your predicament. Keep a knife handy to cover the eventuality that you do actually capture your ‘wild goose’.
Lucky number: 2¾
Aries - March 21 - April 20
Your month looks bleak. A sudden case of stigmata will throw a spanner in your holiday plans as you pass by a convention of South American nuns at a local community centre. Be prepared for a longer stay in Nicaragua than planned.
Lucky number: 5
Taurus - April 21 - May 21
Rampaging through Morocco with a dozen other footballers and their wives will give you a fresh insight into the other universal language, violence. The local police and embassy staff will ignore your argument that the words from the bazaar stall keepers were incomprehensible, and that you received no warning that your collective a*se was about to be kicked.
Lucky number: 0.3489
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