STUFF! (that looks like other stuff*): Part 5

Why not recommence this with part 5 of...

STUFF!
(that looks like other stuff)*

A peek into the future, when Tasmania becomes a distant cousin of the mainland:

A collueague submitted image following a morning spent sanding weatherboard for repainting.

Insert tagline here...

* A shamelessly stolen idea, thanks Ben.

"I'm not wearing a tie at all!"

In honour of Lionel Hutz, I thought I'd post this little gem of a picture I found in my local paper.

Look close...tell me whats wrong with the photo...

It sure is a bad angle, or the woman on the left isnt actually wearing pants...

It's not usually a nudist beach!

Insert tagline here...

Your month by the stars - February

Aquarius - January 21 - February 19

A bout of Dengue Fever will halt your marathon pie-eating attempt, but don’t take it to heart. The support base of family and friends will still be in town after their hospital visit. You should anticipate a month-long recovery and simply try again.

Lucky letter: G


Pisces - February 20- March 20

Flying at such high altitudes is just asking for trouble. You deserve what’s coming. Listen for the phrase “Watch your six…”, then panic.

Lucky letter: C


Aries - March 21 - April 20

Your month holds promise as the total stranger you saw on the news as “the only person ever to return from an event horizon” (not the movie) awakes from a coma speaking your name.

Lucky letter: S


Taurus - April 21 - May 21

That business prospect in central Europe that you are intent on seeing should remain at a good distance for another few weeks. Just until this whole "global economic crisis” thing blows over. It’s remarkable how the human brain can adapt to tough situations and still see a sucker coming a mile off.

Lucky letter: W


Gemini - May 22 - June 21

Your neighbours are always fighting, their dog keeps coming into your yard and defecating on your lawn, and now their step-son is hooking up with your foster daughter. It can get worse though. Keep the baseball bat handy at night.

Lucky letter: B


Cancer - June 22 - July 22

There’s a Tom Jones lookalike contest on the 25th at your local entertainment venue of choice. You should enter, cause I just got a good feelin’ about this one.

Lucky letter: P


Leo - July 23 -August 21

Human Botfly larva. Google it before your upcoming trip. Take tweezers.

Lucky letter: F


Virgo - August 22 - September 23

Graphic design was always your strong point. Staying off the drink was not. Your strategy, however, will pay off handsomely when you forget about the meeting you had scheduled, and in a hung-over state, give the board of Shell the 1970 version of their own logo in the hope they forgot what it looked like.

Lucky letter: H


Libra - September 24 - October 23

Mark the 2028 Olympics down now for the debut of your as yet unborn child in the sport she will pioneer. Oh, and a boyfriend is in your near future, too.

Lucky letter: Z


Scorpio - October 24 - November 22

An old friend will re-enter your life, and your bank accounts while you are drugged and face down on your bed. You can scarcely imagine what else he will enter while you’re out. Take precautions and be very wary.

Lucky letter: L


Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22

Scandinavia used to be so friendly and open. What happened?

Lucky letter: Q


Capricorn - December 23 - January 20

New Zealand Customs officials will question the birth date on your passport as you try to get out of the country following your visit to their highly renowned plastic surgeon. They don’t take too kindly to 10-year old boys flying on their own. Rethink your level of surgery, particularly if you are a 52-year old woman.

Lucky letter: Y

Insert tagline here...

Sydney's NYE Celebrations

The City of Sydney have announced that the theme for this year's New Year's Eve celebrations is Creation.

In a note to other groups, the City said:

Weightlifters - the theme is not Creatine. Don't break out the plastic spoons and milkshakes just yet
Christians - the theme is not Creationism. Do not expect Dinosaurs to magically appear from some unseen force only to vanish equally as fast, nor should you expect anyone to believe your story.
Darwinists - the theme is not opposed to you specifically. We're not all that stupid.
Literary persons - we are not having a live reading Gore Vidal's novel, Creation.
Iodine deficients - the theme is not Cretinism. Don't feel victimised.

Insert tagline here...

Kermit the...blerrrrghhhh!

"I feel kinda crook....oh no...blerrrggghhhhhhh..."

Insert tagline here...

GraphJam

I've been looking about on GraphJam of late, laughing at the endless pop culture references and such that can be turned into official looking graphs.

Here's are a few of my own.

Insert tagline here...

STUFF! (that looks like other stuff*): Part 4

With great delight I present Part 4 of...

STUFF!(that looks like other stuff)*

You know it's one of those mornings when your coffee growls at you.

Insert tagline here...

*A shamelessly stolen idea, thanks Ben.

Those wacky Japanese!

The Boy got a box of biscuits from his great-Aunt when she came back from holiday in Japan recently.

I just had to share.

If the front wasn't enough, the side spreads the love even further.

And I'm just not sure about what's going on with this character.

In honour of the box I call them Super Happy Pants Biscuits.

Insert tagline here...

The spreading use of the photo

I came across a few links on a news story the other day to a couple of great sites.

ManBabies.com

YoungMe/NowMe

Give them a look. The ManBabies is a bit bizarre, but once you get used to it, it's pretty funny. YoungMe/NowMe is great, and I'm thinking of digging up a couple of my old photos to re-create.

Insert tagline here...

Cyanide and Happiness comics

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Insert tagline here...

Continuing the theme...

I could spend a lot of time on this site:

icanhascheezburger.com

lolcats abound.

If you dont know what lolcat is, you're about to find out.

Insert tagline here...

Bigger than Cheeses exploited!

Knocked off from ED and exploited, but stolen first from Bigger than Cheeses.

Insert tagline here...

STUFF! (that looks like other stuff*): Part 3

With great delight I present Part 3 of...

STUFF!
(that looks like other stuff)*

No pictures from me or my scribes on this one, but another blog that contains some excellent examples of Stuff:

http://facesinplaces.blogspot.com/

Insert tagline here...

*A shamelessly stolen idea, thanks Ben.

STUFF! (that looks like other stuff*): Part 2

With great delight I present Part 2 of...

STUFF!
(that looks like other stuff)*

Is it a tree? Is it a Mr. Grim, come about the reaping? You decide, with "Stump of Death":

Picture courtesy Miss Bunny

Secondly, a photograph entitled "Heart Shaped Pox":

Is it a sign of love abounding, or merely a blob of last night's dinner that got jettisoned onto the sink during the washing of dishes?

Insert tagline here...

*A shamelessly stolen idea, thanks Ben.

Poll Dance #1

STUFF! (that looks like other stuff)*: Part 1

In what is hoped to become a semi-regular series, I bring you part one of...

STUFF!
(that looks like other stuff)*

Firstly, a submitted picture entitled Ham Happy:


There's nothing like a cheerful face greeting you first thing in the morning, is there now?

Secondly, incontrovertible proof of dinosaur activity in Melbourne (sometime pre-2007):

Or it might just be bark.

Thirdly, the natural occurrence of the bicycle, with bike fork twig:

Then again, it might just be an upside-down stick.

Insert tagline here...

*A shamelessly stolen idea, thanks Ben.

Your month by the stars - June

Gemini - May 22 - June 21

This is the time that your long-held idea for a business will come to fruition, particularly at the local sports stadium where a sudden influx of bees combines with a dust storm, resulting in an allergic crowd of truly epic proportions.

Lucky number: 0


Cancer - June 22 - July 22

Try to avoid any tea-leaf, palm- or tarot-card readers this month, as June is their annual Month of MadnessTM. Just for fun they might tell you that a tall, dark stranger will enter your life and steal your heart. More likely, they will enter your house and steal your TV set while you are asleep.

Lucky number: 10


Leo - July 23 -August 21

Do not go to your hairdressers this month and say, “I’m a Leo, so give me a haircut that suits my star sign”. Not unless you want to be laughed at by adults or have schoolchildren make growling, roaring noises to your face.

Lucky number: 9


Virgo - August 22 - September 23

Not for long, you won’t be.

Lucky number: 17


Libra - September 24 - October 23

Learn the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Get a job at a local restaurant. Get your teeth whitened. Make sure to be working on June 15th at around 8pm. Save space on your wall for a framed copy of the June 16th newspaper front page.

Lucky number: 15


Scorpio - October 24 - November 22

Don’t sit there. Please. Keep this number handy: 000 (if in Australia), 999 (if in England), 911 (if in America). Yodel loudly if in Scandinavia.

Lucky number: 134,906,283


Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22

You don’t even think you could find the place on a map, but someplace north of Prague, towards the border there, there is a little town that will be forever etched in your memory. Just as the local’s fervent distrust of outsiders is forever etched on your upper arm.

Lucky number: 33


Capricorn - December 23 - January 20

Your long distance relationship will very slowly start to drain your bank balance as your purchase of multitudes of stamps. Sending packages to your beloved in Turkmenistan will turn out to be not such a good idea as all contact suddenly ceases once you send her a pair of diamond earrings.

Lucky number: 21


Aquarius - January 21 - February 19

Your personal crusade to turn every day into St Patrick’s Day will not only result in “the wearin’ o’ the green”, but also the “punchin’ o’ the face” and the “callin’ o’ the ambulance”. Luckily for you, it won’t quite stretch to the “identifyin’ o’ the body”.

Lucky number: 22


Pisces - February 20- March 20

A lack of decision making from your direct superior will lead you and two other orderlies on a wild goose chase this month. Neither arguments, a swift boot to the groin, or a flat phone battery will assist in extracting you from your predicament. Keep a knife handy to cover the eventuality that you do actually capture your ‘wild goose’.

Lucky number: 2¾


Aries - March 21 - April 20

Your month looks bleak. A sudden case of stigmata will throw a spanner in your holiday plans as you pass by a convention of South American nuns at a local community centre. Be prepared for a longer stay in Nicaragua than planned.

Lucky number: 5


Taurus - April 21 - May 21

Rampaging through Morocco with a dozen other footballers and their wives will give you a fresh insight into the other universal language, violence. The local police and embassy staff will ignore your argument that the words from the bazaar stall keepers were incomprehensible, and that you received no warning that your collective a*se was about to be kicked.

Lucky number: 0.3489


Insert tagline here...

Your month by the stars - April

Aries - March 21 - April 20

Your month is filled with baskets of promise. If by promise you understand that to mean darning, you’re in real luck. Your role as seamstress for the 54th Battalion will not be questioned unless the men find their toes poking comically out of their socks.

Disease of the month: PROTEUS SYNDROME
Lucky number: 46


Taurus - April 21 - May 21

Your unfortunate choice of footwear will lead people to describe your demise as a ‘bull in a china shop’. Your other mistake for this month will be trying to seek out that new dinner setting you spotted in a magazine.

Disease of the month: ALICE IN WONDERLAND SYNDROME
Lucky number: 0.5


Gemini - May 22 - June 21

The activities of you and your like-minded twin result in two of the Los Angeles Lakers cheer squad applauding your athletic performance in the bedroom. Hiding in the bathroom awaiting your turn will lead to you contracting tinea from the damp shower floor.

Disease of the month: HYPERTRICHOSIS
Lucky number: 276,375


Cancer - June 22 - July 22

Keep a close eye on your cat. Remember the phrase: “keep your friends close, and you enemies even closer”. You should let your cat sleep IN your bed, to avoid him making off with your daughter.

Disease of the month: CAPGRAS SYNDROME
Lucky number: 1


Leo - July 23 -August 21

Your car will need a major overhaul this month, which will cause your mechanic to remark “How did you get that much sand in the sub-frame?” Only the beached whales know for certain, but the local Greenpeace activists will have a fair idea come months-end.

Disease of the month: PICA
Lucky number: 1


Virgo - August 22 - September 23

Your teachers will be amazed when you are the first ever third-grader to count to eleven on your fingers. A quick visit to the emergency room results after you inadvertently flip the bird to two people at once.

Disease of the month: POLYDACTYLISM
Lucky number: 6


Libra - September 24 - October 23

Should you find yourself being followed by a group of unseen, growling animals, remember this sage advice: a concealed handgun never goes out of fashion. You may be spared the animals if the police request you to turn out your pockets at any time prior. Drive carefully to avoid traffic infringements until the 28th.

Disease of the month: FOREIGN ACCENT SYNDROME
Lucky number: 19


Scorpio - October 24 - November 22

No, you cannot fly. Your planning for this year’s UK Birdman Rally in Bognor Regis will take a literal and painful nosedive. Your eventual release from hospital in September will prove ironic, as you will be just in time to see your design achieve the record distance flight in the event.

Disease of the month: RILEY-DAY SYNDROME
Lucky number: 34


Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22

An encounter with a hairdresser will bring new horizons. The quantity of bleach she feels compelled to use on your hair will render you senseless, waking to find yourself cast onto a deserted rubbish tip. You will not recognize local landmarks, or local dialects, and will be treated as an outcast in your newfound society for quite some time.

Disease of the month: ONDINE'S CURSE
Lucky number: 41


Capricorn - December 23 - January 20

An impulse glance in the cabin of a Winnebago at a local dealer will lead to a cross-country trip. In the process of the three-week endeavour, you will find yourself, but lose your friends, family, and pets at various roadside rest stops.

Disease of the month: ALIEN HAND SYNDROME
Lucky number: 27


Aquarius - January 21 - February 19

Choose this month, above all, to stay away from bazaars. That monkey’s hand may look cute now, but it will not be so appealing scuttling across your hardwood floors as you and your husband stand on the couch screaming.

Disease of the month: KORO
Lucky number: 28


Pisces - February 20- March 20

Fortune is in your monthly future, more specifically the loss of. The Sioux Nation Casino does not take kindly to naked, jabbering people running through the banks of poker machines whining about how they’ve “lost it all”. A glance downwards will confirm that you never had it to begin with.

Disease of the month: JERUSALEM SYNDROME
Lucky number: ¾

Insert tagline here...

A follow up to Life in Neutral

An as-yet unpublished submission to the Sydney Morning Herald's Heckler column, by The Great White Hype under my real name.

************************************************************

THE HECKLER
heckler@smh.com.au
The Modern Day BioDome


It is the year 2024.

Carbon trading and emissions offsets have reached a peak. There has been mass clearing of land by developers under the new government Affordable Housing Mandate (Amended 2009) in order to enable families to own that far-too-large dream house in the suburbs of Sydney by the age of 23.

The decade old law pertaining to the ambitious Carbon Removal Scheme of 2014 and its required contributions has left a monopoly for a handful of firms prepared to maintain the troublesome and flawed system.

The entire Sydney basin carbon emission load, under the regulations of the COT (carbon offset tax), is now borne by one rather large scribbly gum situated in a hermetically sealed bubble that Sydney-siders affectionately call The Dome, in the middle of Martin Place.

The cost of upkeep of the dome protecting the tree from planet-warming, carbon-saturated atmosphere is so great that the majority of the tax dollars go directly to the running of the large pumps and filters keeping the tree alive. Large groups of workers, their faces obscured by filtration masks of a similar nature, gather around the Dome to gaze on its sparse foliage and twisted branches.

Not even three hikes in the tax rate has managed to result in the planned growth of the number of trees (from one tree to two), in order to satisfy the clamour from the general public and large corporations prepared to pay money to relieve their “carbon guilt”. Psychologists have coined the term for the sudden explosion of trembling and feelings of intense shame associated with workmates and neighbours’ discovering your level of voluntary contribution is somewhat less than their own. There has been little or no change in lifestyles to contribute to global problems associated with greenhouse gases, as wages grew exponentially in order to cover the compulsory COT contributions.

The President of Australia, in conjunction with her colleague in New Zealand, is looking at a broad-brush approach, whereby the population of New Zealand will be relocated to Australia. The net result of the scheme would be the replanting of New Zealand, to be used as Australia’s carbon-offset supply for the next thirty years.

This has raised the ire of several fundamentalist groups, but the precedent has already been set. With Hawaii having been emptied of all but a skeleton staff in 2015 to cater for the US east-coast emission trades, the increase in scale is not so daunting.

The government has launched a new campaign for the Christmas gift offset rush. It is hoped that the second tree will be ready and functional by late 2027. It will be located more towards the geographic centre of Sydney, in the Emu Plains Mall.

****************************************

Insert tagline here...